Hokuto
by Clio S.S
Summary: Hokuto and her heart - after everything had happened. Written almost 10 years ago.


Where are you, my friend?

Where am I? Is it how Heaven looks like?

I feel cold and wrap my arms around my shoulders. Strange is this place. Infinite space, almost blank. White, grey and the palest of blue - only these colours exist here. My skin is creamy, and I wear a short tunic. My feet are bare. But it's not really cold here, not warm either. This place is only strange and indifferent.

It's no use to stand like this. This space has no reference points. There's no sun above; there are no clouds either. Some kind of dimension... I walk ahead. It's funny: I can't feel the ground, even though my feet keep resting on something.

I never feared anything in my life, nor I fear now. I did what I had to do and I feel no regret. If I'd had to chose again, I wouldn't have hesitated. Never. After all, I always did what I decided, and no-one could stop me. I walked over people who loved me, but they never scolded me. It has to be love, isn't it?

I never loved anyone, I didn't have enough time. Perhaps, him I... Even though I never meet him. Where are you now? What paths do you tread? What do you see?

No, I am afraid, after all, if only of one thing: that this evil man would hurt my brother. Let my death be enough; let he leave Subaru be. Good God, it's all my fault...

I have no strength to proceed, so I sit down, embrace my knees and close my eyes. I don't want to see this strange space.

I am the only one to blame for what happened. It will prick my conscience till the end of my... existence. There's no other chance, after all. And doubly I'm guilty, at least doubly. First, it had been me to become the 13th head of Sumeragi clan, for my potential had been even greater than that of my brother, and the greater power than him would I have possessed. Nothing of this would have never happened; Subaru would have lived just the way he always wanted. And I... I would be able to protect myself from everyone, Sakurazukamori included. I know it. And I would protect my beloved ones. Instead, I had chosen easy and pleasant life of a normal girl - life of fun and total lack of responsibility for anything and anyone. How can you forgive yourself that?

You can't.

My other fault... I almost feel like laughing. It was me who shoved Subaru in Seishirō's arms. I believed so hardly that something would happen between them and that they were destined for each other... They were. I never imagined Seishirō would hurt my brother.

No, I can't let myself cry. I'm going.

I was so thoughtless. Why, why didn't I ever use my brain? Sumeragi usually are bright, and I wasn't any exception; still, I preferred to play stupid doll, interested in clothes and having fun. I'll never find an answer, even if I think for the whole eternity.

Ha, I should've said: Sumeragi usually were bright. Our family has no descendant and won't have any. Subaru and I were the last generation. I... I'm no longer there, while my brother... He has never been interested in girls, I think - is it my fault, too? Well, it's not important. I want you to live, nothing else matters. I want you to not let Sakurazukamori execute his crazy plan, not let him fulfil that dreadful promise, made so long ago. Live, Subaru, live for me.

Strange enough, I can't hate Seishirō. Really. I didn't feel hatred in the moment he delivered the death blow, nor did I see it in his eyes. They were indifferent. And that gentle smile on his lips... For a moment, I remember, I felt pity for him - for I was sure that man had never known what love was and would probably never find out...

I won't find out either. I suppose I never matured enough to love someone. It's no secret I had a brief crush on Seishirō. He seemed a nice guy, was so sharp and handsome... It was fun to talk with him. God. When I think about it, we usually teased my poor brother...

I decided not to cry, right?

He treated me with such courtesy; I really felt good around him. Was his real intention only to play with me? And laugh at me behind my back? Sakurazukamori...

However, I was blessed to meet someone who understood me - even if only in dreams. Kakyō... My chest hurts, and I have to stop once more. I'll never see you again. We were to go to the sea you love so much. I wanted to see the waves being reflected in your beautiful eyes. Perhaps I could come to love you...? If only you'd let me... I'd wish for nothing more. Now I only wish for you to be happy.

And you, Subaru. Live, both of you - and I'll live in your memory. This scatter brain Hokuto.

I'm tired. I'll stay here, in this strange world - with no sun, no moon, no stars. Without plants and animals. Without anyone else. It's the dimension of my penance for what I did. For the first time I'll accept something humbly.

Just let me rest a bit.

After that, I'll set out to walk the beat around my small kingdom.

For eternity...


End file.
